The years of searching for an answer are, dare I say, over? For the last 20+ years I’ve been searching for that missing link, that secret that everyone with a smile on their face seems to know, but isn’t telling me. The grasping at - ‘this must be the solution that will fix me, I feel it!’ Only to be let down by the new exercise, supplement, diet, naturopathic doctor, medical doctor, various programs, mindset work…. ALL. THE. THINGS. Not to say those things don’t work, they just didn’t work for me. In the last 20 years I’ve been diagnosed with depression, then depression + anxiety, then PMDD, and everything I ever did for all those things always fell short. Inevitably, I would hit bottom again, even though…I have such an incredible life full of experiences, adventure and most importantly, true love from a man who does and will do anything for me. It is maddening to have such a uniquely incredible life, yet feel so empty and lost. Finally, last year I got the diagnoses that ticked every box, that made so much sense, that finally made me feel a whole lot less crazy….PTSD. I then began researching, understanding and seeking out support to live with PTSD, because the truth is, there is no cure. But, that doesn’t mean that emptiness and despair are there forever. Fast forward several months of trauma therapy and not feeling like I’m making enough progress and as a last ditch effort, I decided to try ketamine-assisted psychotherapy (KAP) with ShaMynds Healing Center. In this place where I was full of fear and desperation, telling these strangers ‘this has to work,’ I found myself. I had this vision of what a happy and healed Lindsey would be like, look like, act like, live like, love like, I wanted her so badly, so desperately. With the help of Dr. Ahmad and Meg Lear I have not only found her, I’ve gone beyond what I even thought was possible in becoming the Lindsey I deserve to be. Dr. Ahmad and Meg are true heroes, I owe my life to them, and not only that, but I found out how to be my own hero too and that is surely something to celebrate. KAP with these heroes, a lot of hard internal work and following their specific guidance has helped me process my trauma, develop healthy coping skills, calm my nervous system, think differently, react differently or not react at all. It was the key that unlocked so much that I had buried into the depths of my being. I am enlightened to how amazing my life truly is and for the first time in my life, I actually FEEL it. I feel what I thought was impossible. As crazy as it feels to say out loud, “I forgive my abuser and am grateful for the experiences that brought me here.” Regardless of how traumatic my experiences were, I would not be who I am now without them. My deepest appreciation goes to the team at ShaMynds for giving me my life back, for introducing me to myself and for now being able to live as the best version of myself that those who are most important to me, deserve. If you’re struggling as I was, I encourage you to find a way to do this. To desperately commit to all the things that are a part of KAP and integration. You may just save yourself. You may just find yourself. I realize I’ve shared something so close and personal here and that I’ve made myself vulnerable, but I feel the responsibility to pay it forward, to share about my experience. Maybe in doing so, someone else can be saved too. And to the person who shared their experiences with me, ‘thank you.’